Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
A family that plays together cheats.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.