I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Uh oh…
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems