My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Steam Forums
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Does this dress make me look cat?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!