@laurenreeves: My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
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@DaddyBeerGuy: Boss-You're Always the first one here! Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right? *gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
@CorkyKneivel: I loathe tweets like "Be somebody's beautiful tragedy". Might as well tweet using a random word generator. "Be golf brisket honkytonk"