@laurenreeves: My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@littlekitnerboy: Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don't see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.
@DamienFahey: There's no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
@heidi420x: I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops.
@ThatRascalPuff: No need to write it down, I've a photographic memory *looks hard af* *pukes polaroid*