@laurenreeves: My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would've stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"
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@Marlebean: When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"
@ohpeetie: You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.
@bgirl314: 5: Mommy can we pee in the pool? M: NO! Neighbors kid: Why? M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they'll eat and kill you.
@Social_Mime: Waiter - I'm Matt & I'll be taking care of you Me - You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough Wife - Give us a few minutes