My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
classic mixup
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
BRAKING NEWS!!
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!