My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils