@KateWhineHall: My sister had a baby today. I think I've used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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@dreamthievin: A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
@lianamaeby: The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, "What's water?" so she wouldn't feel stupid.
@BoogTweets: Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator Me: why *from under the refrigerator* *baby noises*