My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
What is going on? 😅
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you