@realHamOnWry: My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.
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@GrantTanaka: [Alien Vs Predator] alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
@Snotgun: I've conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can't take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.
@shegotagronk: Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he's taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
@joejwest: [jail] ME: I want my phone call COP: Ok. Make it count ME: [dials payphone] [cop's mobile rings] COP: Hello? ME: Please let me go