@realHamOnWry: My sister has promised to sing at my funeral. I hope she goes before I do.
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@AHundredElbows: Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
@plank_sinatra: My parents are pretty middle aged. "So? That's pretty norm-" *two knights bust in* "CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?"
@nealbrennan: "Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?" "No. Marching's hard. I tweeted about it."
@Matt_the_1st: Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.