So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
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I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.