I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You Might Also Like
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.