Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.