Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.