My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]