The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You Might Also Like
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car