GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.