*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!