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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
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This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.