My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I can’t stop laughing at this
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening