My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Cha-ching is my safe word
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I’m tired tomorrow.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision