Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.