My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I love the National Park Service.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?