My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
happy friday
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone