Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
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definitely did not do anything wrong
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Cinematography is my passion
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
✌🏽
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.