@JaySuch: My son asked me why girls pee sitting down. I told them they're lazy.
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@JasonIsbell: If y'all are gonna insist on calling those things "hoverboards," I'll be over here flying around with my "jetpack."
@iSmashFizzle: Me: It's not illegal to be rude to cops. Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect? Me: That's why we don't make bears cops.
@trojansauce: [after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn] ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this
@SkinnerSteven: HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"