I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Festive toon…
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*