@ericsshadow: My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth... their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
@CopBroughtPizza: [galileo's wife walks in] *quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor's window to the sky* i was just studying the... phases of venus.
@bourgeoisalien: I sign all my coworker's birthday cards, "Please know, this does not mean we're friends" just to avoid any future awkwardness.