My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
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Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay