forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Do not levitate over flowers
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.