*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.