My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why