@Demented_Jokes: My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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@Brampersandon_: [Infomercial] HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!? AUDIENCE: Yes! HOST: Here's how! *rips off his own arm*
@BeardSpice: [sitting in doctor's office] It's bad news. You have a rare case of contagious memory loss. "What do you mean?" I can't remember.
@mewritesgood: You say "potato", I say "This isn't working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me."