I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
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[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team