@AddTequila: My son: "Dad what's a douche bag?" Me: see that guy sitting with his friends wearing a Bluetooth?....
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@adamlucidi: You're following a man who once stole someone's garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That's on you.
@sofarrsogud: #MarriedPeopleIssues You hang up.. No, you hang up... You hang up.... Noooo, you hang up. They're your clothes. I'm not your maid.
@thenatewolf: *on a first date* Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret