America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5