My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
You Might Also Like
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
How did we not see this back then?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it