I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.