I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
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My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.