I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
There’s always that one guy
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.