My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?