My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”