Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
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not to brag, but mine was free
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared