My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Does beer think about me too?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.