My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”