My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible