My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush