My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
cat faces on other animals, a thread
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!