My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.