@ShrinkMedia: My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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@QwertyJones3: HER: I'm a member of my local Rotary Club. ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
@BeardSpice: "Two birds with one stone, how about all the birds" God thinks, hurling an asteroid toward Earth
@panmidwest: EXECUTIVE: Calling our store "Bed & Bath" isn't working. How can we take our branding to the next level? BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea...
@ShortSleeveSuit: Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Punctuality Interviewer: Weaknesses? Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE