My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Cndnsd Mlk
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all