My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off