My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.