My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.