My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I think this should do it.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.