Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.