“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.