Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
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I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
how was your vacation
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]